Renaissance PI:  The Cooking Show

SYNOPSIS
Crumbling historical documents tell us what we know: that Virago Penne Mejor was a much-troubled private investigator during the dawn of the Renaissance Age in Europe. He has just fled the wrath of the powerful Borgia clan in Florence. He fell out of favor as court investigator for the Borgias when he married his wife, an incendiary redhead, who in reality, is a tentacled space alien in a human, red-headed wrapper. Mejor fled with his wife and young ones to Sevilla, where he hoped the Spanish Inquisition would supply clients for his private investigation business.

Spanish historical archives showed that Mejor successfully applied in Sevilla for a PI's license from the Inquisition. A Dominican Friar's record of the Court of Inquisition reads:

In the Year of Our Lord 1503, the 17th of May. By Order of His Excellency Torquemada, El Seņor Virago Penne Mejor DeSpacial is licensed for the Exposure of Heretics and the Hunting of Witches to the greater glory and grace of our Lord.

The archives held diary entries written by Virago Mejor himself. The Inquisitor required such records as evidence for the Court. Virago Mejor wrote:

I was sitting in the back row waiting for Torquemada to get to my Board Certifications - it was the last item on the day's agenda. First up was a Jewish Rabbi, refusing to repent. They set up the stake and the firewood for what the locals call a "Torquemada Toast." I could see Torquemada had a sense of humor. 

"You may convert, " he said to the rabbi, "or I can sing you may favorite song, 'Jew Light Up my Life.' " 
The poor man remained silent.
"So. You'll hang around for my cooking show? Tonight it's Roast au Jew."

Next up was a local harlot. He threatened to make her a Papal Pop Tart. Then they brought in a suspected homosexual, followed by men with another stake and more firewood. Now I knew what they meant by a "flamer."

I could tell the Inquisition would be hard times for Hebrews, harlots, homosexuals, heretics and heathens. It was the end of the Dark H's.

Just then they were interrupted by guards bringing in some teenage girl, Jeanne D'Arc. She was a knockout. She wore a tight chemise with the images of St. Peter and St. Paul embroidered on the chest.
 "Excellency!" the guard said, "She speaks the heresy of claiming to talk with the saints, Peter and Paul."
Torquemada stared at the girl's top, "I'd like a word with those two myself," he said.
Jeanne said quietly, "I heard you were a guy who likes things hot."
"I stake my reputation on it," he replied.
"Excellency," the guard said, " she claims to talk to God, and she has fits and has visions."
Torquemada considered the girl.
"She's gone off her medication again. Look, stop bringing lunatics in here and saying they're saints or possessed or doing stem cell research or something. Just get her prescription refilled."

There were gasps throughout the hall.  Bishops and monsignors and the Dominican clerics narrowed their eyes at Torquemada.
"Oh, all right, " he said. "Tie her up." He motioned the guards to torch the fires saying, "Let's lighten the mood a bit." I understood why they called these guys "friars."

Finally, it was my turn. The clerk handed Torquemada my paperwork. I had taken a correspondence course with the Vatican to get my Board certification in Exposing Heretics and Hunting Witches.
"Congratulations Seņor, ah .." he glanced at the papers, " Seņor Mejor. The Empire needs defenders of the faith such as yourself."
The clerk held up a card that read "Applause." Everyone clapped. Except the four tied to stakes, they nodded vigorously.

That night I was sitting in my office, a tiny second-floor room on the river front. A lone candle on my desk threw long shadows on the walls. The cockroaches entertained their children by making "people shadows."

I picked at the lunch my space-alien wife packed for me. There was a soft knock on my door, and in she came. A brunette with sangria wine lips and a complexion like fine cream. She was hot, so hot Torquemada could have saved the firewood and tied the heretics to her. Me first.

She sat on my desk. She put a cigarillo to those carafe-and-half lips and looked at me, "Smoke?" Before I could answer she lit it with a candle then put the cigarillo gently to my lips. She lit her own.

"It's the Inquisition, Seņor Mejor," she said. "They say I am a heretic. I think the earth is not the center of the Universe."
"Strange," I said, "My wife says the same thing."
She arched an eyebrow at me, "What is it with the Inquisitors?"
"It's like the name says, Lady, They're curious. Inquisitive."
"Then it's true what they say. Curiosity killed the Catholic?"
"Yes, and Torquemada's here to stop that. He'd prefer to kill them himself." "Seņor Mejor, I am due before the Inquisitor in one week." Her dark eyes pleaded. "I'll pay you anything - I'll do anything you want - anything - just get me out of this."
I thought about my wife. I thought about my kids, or whatever they were.
"Lady, you need a good defense councilor. I'm just a PI. Here, call on my friend Galileo Galilei. He's respected by the Inquisitor and he's an expert in these matters."
Little did I know Galileo was scheduled the same day to be questioned himself for heresy. My blunder was Torquemada's success. He had the satisfaction of a brunette barbecue and of excommunicating one of the most brilliant men of our time.

Nothing but bad breaks for me. My clientele was turning out to be space aliens, space scientists, spacey clerics or spare ribs - none of whom had paid me yet.

A final Court entry concerning Virago Mejor indicates the Grand Inquisitor credited him for his accidental involvement in exposing Galileo. The Friar wrote:

In the Year of Our Lord 1503, the 27th of July. By Order of His Excellency Torquemada in gratitude for his service in exposing the heretic Galileo, El Seņor Virago Penne Mejor is granted licensure and authority of Grand Inquisitor and Defender of the Holy Roman Empire in the Far East colony of Las Islas Filipinas (Philipine Islands). El Sr. Mejor and his family are to be given passage and all assistance by the King's Far East Fleet.